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The Inevitable Introduction

These are the ghosts that wander through the infinite corridors of a divergent, and admittedly, unsound mind. Some belong to a troubled past, others arise from social decay, while others are utterly fabricated. I speak them into being, bring them out for examination, and in doing so, unintentionally examine and critique myself.

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Beautiful Crow

The sky is a polished blue,
wearing her softest white clouds.
She makes love to the sun in front of God
and everyone.
The earth blushes
in brilliant emerald breath
held beneath sapphire eyes,
and yet,
it is the lonely cawing crow
with whom I sympathize.
Its call,
ragged and worn,
lingers in the rhythm
beating inside my chest,
trying to make sense
of a world so big,
yet so small—
like humanity’s capacity for love
and its proclivity to hate.

They Said ‘No’ to Our Voice

The U.S. House of Representatives voted to ban TikTok yesterday. An 81% consensus, 81%! POTUS has said that he would sign the bill into law should it get through the Senate.

Our political representatives can’t come together to tackle healthcare, corporate price gouging, the housing crisis, poverty level wages, college loan debt, the border question, food insecurity, or work toward investing in our nation, its people, or its future. The moment 170 million Americans began talking to each other, however, realizing we weren’t alone and that we could change things, then they acted—to divide our voices.

They said ‘no’ to our voice.

(in)Justice and Monsters

Monsters lurk the lines of my fiction because it is how I cope with a world on fire. I remember as a child learning about the Civil Rights Movement and thinking, “why did that happen? Why did they hang those people? Why did they kill that man speaking up for justice?” I was confused but assured “it was over. Justice won.”

It’s not over. It never ended. The problems of inequality and injustice persist, not only for Black people, but for non-white, non-heteronormative, non-Christian, non-conservative humans. More people are pushing back, demanding justice, but those in power, the same who murdered MLK, Jr., Medgar Wiley, Lemar Smith, Harvey Milk, and countless more, have reignited the fires of hate motivated violence in an attempt to end the push.

For many years, I was ignorant of the unfathomable depth of inequality and injustice in America. I was naive, and so surprised by the number of voices rising to the provocation of power—not to resist that wicked power, but to uphold its scaffolding and institutions, to protect the bloodied hands of the powerful.

Comedian, playwright, and novelist Ben Elton once said: “With privilege comes responsibility, you must understand that.” I wonder if this is why so many disenfranchised people are rising up to protect and defend the atrocities of the powerful. They have benefitted from the current institution. They are privileged in this arrangement, and so they feel it their responsibility to uphold it—ignorant of how the same system is also killing them.

After two decades of work, I have become conscious of my privilege, but my responsibility—my duty—is not to the system, not anymore. My obligation is to humanity. I do what I can to ease suffering in small and seemingly insignificant ways, but these little acts add up quickly.

If we could do our small part together, at once, the impact would be a stone in Goliath’s brain. We would rock the world. Imagine, for one week, we refused to participate in capitalism—get only the barest of essentials from the most ethical businesses. It would be a strike at the wallet of power. They’d feel it. Now imagine if we maintained that pressure.

Right now, orcas in the middle of the ocean are sinking the yachts of the wealthy. It is an ironic twist to witness whales campaigning to “Save the Humans.” Truly, things are far worse than we realize. But if the whales can do their part, should we not do ours?

The monsters wandering between page and pen are how I cope with a world on fire. These creatures can be stopped. Their objectives can be disrupted and subverted. I can save the world from them, but the real monsters, those monsters can only be stopped if we work together.

Deep State Files: The Vaccine

I was forced to receive the devil’s juice just before it was released to the public. I was part of a Deep State Disinformation Task Force sent to undermine the effectiveness of Hydroxychloroquine. We knew Hydroxychloroquine was effective against COVID-19, but we needed the public to buy into our “vaccine.” What we were given wasn’t the same as what we gave the public. We had all been deceived.

Days after I received Beelzebub’s Bottom Sweat, I began seeing things—people—no one else could see. I heard things no one else could hear. A collective tortured cry seemed to persist in the distance, always lingering just over the horizon. Soon I was visited by a strange being that revealed the “vaccine” had sealed my soul for the great archangel, Lucifer.

In exchange for my soul, the being had imbued me with the ability to see through the veil and into the lands of the dead. All I see, all I hear, are the tortured souls forsaken by God, a perpetual reminder of what awaits me in the next world. Everyday, death haunts me. It looms over me with the promise of hopelessness and despair.

My body has begun aging at an accelerated rate. The only things slowing the acceleration are COVID-19 boosters and the crushed skulls of aborted fetuses. If I could go back and do it all over again, I would have gone outside at the height of the pandemic and licked every handrail just to prove to science that God rules and the devil drools!

But I can’t go back.

All I can do is tell my story and hope it might save you.

Ask Jesus to come inside you and leave the devil at the door.

The Science of Smaller Plates

—a commentary on evangelical diet culture and its assault on women.

Smaller plates
mean smaller meals.
Smaller meals
for that smaller you
because they told you
the best you,
the ideal you,
God’s design for you,
is a smaller,
lesser,
wasting away you.
A smaller you,
they say,
is a prettier you,
a more fuckable you,
and a more fuckable you
is the whole reason
God made you.
A holy,
fuckable,
baby making you
because if men
can control themselves
around you,
then you are failing
to honor the purpose
god gave you.

Is It?

The gun rang out.


One.


Two.


Three.


Four.


Four shots tore through her chest. All five feet, seven inches of her crumpled to the ground. Blood soaked the moonlit shore as the lake lapped at her flesh. The boy stood, tears streaming down his cheeks, gun still trained on the fallen woman, breath caught in his throat.


“It’s over.” He exhaled.


“Is . . . it?”


Her body convulsed, bones snapping out of place, limbs twisting and elongating. She rose like water and held him in two fathomless pools. Her jaw popped and jerked, unhinging itself, mouth stretching unnaturally wide revealing row upon row of jagged teeth. The dead woman bellowed a scream so primal the boy collapsed to his knees, sobbing.

“No need to cry, boy.” Her voice was like a skittering swarm of roaches. Her laugh like an electric guitar. She towered over the child and whispered, “Now, come to mommy.”

The Rapture

dedicated to Calvary Chapel Hanford

You promised us a rapture.
You said,
‘no one knows the day
or hour,
but the prophecies are aligned,
so any day now.’

But—

It’s been thirty six years.
You’re still looking up.

Maybe God slept in.
Maybe he’s not coming.
Maybe its time to find
something else
to pour your heart into—

like people.

Your Father the Devil

Your god
points to a mass grave
where tangled Palestinian bodies
gasp for breath,
a gospel
of bullets and bloodshed
brought to bear
upon the least of these.
He is a white AR-15
mowing down children
in the second grade
while fucking little girls
of the same age—
a coward
accusing queer communities
of crimes committed
by his pastors and priests.
Your god
is an idol,
created in the likeness
of your hate.

But Grace

is a headstone
bearing your names,
buried in a landfill
for which
none of us
mourn.

An Ode to Garry

I pray you slip in the shower,
and no one finds you.
I pray you get drunk
and think,
‘I can make that jump.’
I pray you walk off into the sunset
and disappear,
forever.
I pray your birthdays
are full of empty chairs.
I pray you never receive a visit
from the ghosts of past, present, or
future Christmas.
I pray you choke on air
and die—
before deleting your browser history.
But most of all,
I pray
whatever happens,
happens quickly.

The Real Santa

He is neither kind nor jolly. Every year he enters the homes of especially unruly children and snatches them up, leaving behind no trace or memory that they had ever existed. By night’s end, with his sack full of naughty children, he slinks back to his lair to gorge himself. When the last child is devoured, bones and all, he falls into a deep sleep for another year, with none of us the wiser.

Until now.

god

“You were so enamoured.
You couldn’t see it
for what it was.
Its brilliant light blinded you.
Convinced you that your hands
labored in love.

But look for yourself.

This blood,
these bodies,
your hands.
Your work.”

“But, sir,”
He spoke,
“how were we to know?
You saw it.
It’s power.
It’s beauty.
How were we to know
It wasn’t God?”

“See these bodies?
See this blood?”

Family Burial Plots

When my mother passed away in 2006,
the entire family followed suit. Not
physically as she had, but in a way that
was psychically similar. A parade of
skeletons marched out of the family
closet playing “When the Saints go
Marching In,” and we found none of us
were in that number.

They say you can’t take anything with
you when you die. Not true. My mother
took with her the gossamer veil spread
over the deep wounds carved into our
family tree by a father’s rage.

We all died that day.

The Boy, The Bear, and The Woods

The Hundred-Acre Woods had changed in the wake of Christopher Robin’s disappearance. Pooh blamed himself—if only he held on for just a little longer. No one else blamed him. No one could have stood against those awful impossible things. He did everything he could, but guilt broke him, changed him.

In the aftermath, Pooh was found deep within the shadows of the forest, stuffing spilling out of grievous wounds. Had he been a real bear, he wouldn’t have survived. Pooh, however, like his friends, weren’t real—not in the conventional sense—but play things brought to life by the ancient spirit of the woods for a little boy who sought solace among her twisted and gnarled branches.

Through them, she was able to love the cast out child. He had been brought to die, but his courage and wonder evoked sympathy from the spirit, and she vowed to watch over him. Pooh, Piglet, Owl, Tigger, and all his new friends guarded and taught him the deep secrets of the Hundred Acre Woods. That which inspired fear in the hearts of men, that unconsciously drove them to give wide berth to the forest, was to him, a friend.

Of all his friends, it was Pooh that loved him most, with same heart of the ancient spirit. In turn, the child loved Pooh above all others, and for a time, before the horrors which now stalked the woods, they were happy. But that happiness had long since vanished with the boy. After thirteen years, Pooh had given up on ever finding the child and turned his rage toward the things stalking the dark places of the forest, corrupting its woods, and poisoning the ancient spirit that birthed him.

In the Beginning

He had grown old and fat. Time had been unkind, and he felt its weight upon his shoulders. He looked down once more at the package that had been delivered only hours ago—a key, a deed, and a death certificate bearing his father’s name. The voice of his father, it seemed, rose from its hellish resting place to mock him, enjoying one final laugh at his expense.

“Fool, bastard.” He said. “I’m too old for this—and so were you. Or, at least, you should have been.”

Letters to the Dead

There were days I wrote you
out, dropped you like a feather
and ran. I’d hoped to leave you
behind me, but you were my
favorite quill. The very worst
of my Hell.

I always come back for you,
to dip you in the murky eyed
ink called memory. Even now,
I write your name across the
breadth of these wrists, hoping
to set free all this bitterness.

Some say I keep your ghost
alive in letters left by your
graveside, but this ink
reminds me why I left home—
to exorcise you and them
from my bones.

The Prophet to the Pastor

In the hard places where bread
becomes stone and crowns
become thorns, there I wander
the palm lined pathways, leading
to the debt you have yet to forgive.
It is exhausting trying to keep up
with you and the nails you drive into
the hands holding out for mercy.
I suppose Grace is just a name
you give your daughters to pretend
you do all this—for Jesus.

But in spite of it all, I still wander,
smuggling in an orchard where
bodies no longer burden the
outstretched olive branches I offer
to those whose backs I buried
beneath broken boughs and
splintered words.

Someone has to sweep the
manger clean. You never know
what displaced souls might need
to rest, like an infant pauper king
held in the bravery of his mother’s
breasts, or a Palestinian leper
just trying his best to survive
the brutality of a Gaza stripped
of its rest.

This world is too hard. We have
forgotten how to make room for
love to thrive. We salt the earth and
examine splinters with wooden eyes
underneath the neon glow where hangs
a miracle whipped Jesus, who holds
a sign that reads: ‘God is love, but he
has his bad days, too.’ If what
you say is true, then God has just as
many bad days as we do.

There has got to be a better way
to make our days brighter—
like bringing in more chairs
and making room for everyone
at the inn, or finding ways to love
the face of God staring back at us
through the eyes of our neighbors—
every neighbor, not just the ones
who gather on cute sing-along
Sundays. All of them. But especially—

especially the ones we’ve crucified
in full view of the Son.

Ode to Calvary Chapel

The Moses model was established to give the pastor
complete control because Chuck Smith did not like
to hear the word ‘no.’ And so followed suit his cult of
imposter pastors who wielded power accountable ‘only
to the Lord.’ Such a strange interpretation falling outside
all models for the Church, but for them, it worked—to
keep the flock in line. Under-shepherds too quick to
identify with Jesus and not the Judas in themselves.
I condemn it. The bath, the water, the baby—all of it.

Strange were the men, never women, who assumed
the role of pastor. Charismatic, arrogant, filled with
all manner of pride, but—they say—holy, and to say
otherwise, was to Divide—division is the greatest sin you
can commit outside of being gay, or a woman who lost
her virginity before marriage; these men were always in
our pants. They were always in our lives pointing our
eyes to distant stars while picking our pockets for their
con—Jesus is coming, they still say, and every earthly
strife is a sign.

We waited. We watched. Jesus never showed up—to
a single Sunday service. Probably because they did
so little serving beyond themselves. Riding the coat
tails of every Evangelical pearl clutch, they stoked the
fears of the flock inside the lines drawn in the sand
between them and everyone else—us versus them.
Them, a euphemism for non-Calvary Chapel believers,
the unsaved, the unclean, the Black, the Brown, the
Other—and especially the misfits who were a misfit
for the cross-shaped coffins they’d stuff us into, like
Lonnie Frisbee who first brought the youth. Lonnie,
who gave Chuck his start. Lonnie, who they threw
away when he couldn’t stop being gay. Lonnie, who
Smith and Laurie claimed repented on his deathbed.
We know they are lying.

Chuck is gone now, I wish Laurie was, too, but his
legacy lives on in the broken bodies beaten down
by illiterate men who use the Bible as a weapon, God
as a scapegoat, and Love as reason to hate. And there
was so much hate.

I condemn it. The bath, the water, the baby—all of it.

We Are Yet Ghosts

We speak like ghosts to keep alive
the cemeteries buried in our throats
because, even after all this time,
there are still some things we are not
yet ready to let go—like the hatchet
we use to open up old wounds. We
confuse mausoleums for museums
where in place of paintings we hang
like criminals. Our skeletons are on
full display, broken and unclean. Both
of our hands are bloody.

While you’ve lingered in that old house,
haunting its halls like a presence known
only by trails of sunflower shells and
the phantom drones of imaginary flight
patterns, I have clawed my way through
the dirt to rise above the earth to find
my way from death to life. I do not yet
know if it is too late for you, but I have
exorcized your demon from my soul,
and one day, hopefully, I might finally
let go.